Taylor Swift, once wisely denoted, “This ain’t for the best
My reputation’s never been worse, so
You must like me for me.”
I’ll never know why you did what you did to me, the way you did. I’ll never understand fully what you’ve been through in the past. I’m sorry your past before me was hard. And, I’m afraid, there aren’t enough questions this time for me to ask and try to bridge those gaps or enough bandaids for me to fix the deep wounds from your past. I wanted compassion, I wanted communication, and I wanted you. I told you I would always choose you if you gave me that option. You didn’t. You stole that option away from me. You turned it around and made me feel like I would never be enough for you. And when things got hard, like I knew they would eventually, you did the one thing I promised you that I would never do to you – you ran. Maybe you never wanted to be with me. You ran first and my pain soon followed.
It made me reevaluate if I really knew who you were or if I had the wrong understanding of your character. I really wanted to see the best in you and to let us be who we were without the ghosts of your past. But I wasn’t enough for you. I could see that you were still haunted. You promised me you would let me in with time. But that’s what you took away too – time. You didn’t let us grow and mature. You left us in the dark before we could see the sunlight again. I wasn’t enough for you. I would never be enough for you. You had seen enough. That’s what you told me and that’s what the weight of your words meant, remember? All my friends saw the red flags and heard the sirens in the aftermath. When the fireworks paused, and the smoke had risen, all that you had left for me was alone. You gave up on me. My friends didn’t give up on me. They ran too – but towards me. They had my back, and may I always have theirs. I wasn’t ever going to judge you for your past, but you let your past destroy us.
The answer to your question was that I did hurt deeply, and I did forgive you. You already have enough demons than anyone should ever have to carry. If absolution is the only thing you wanted from me, which is what you made it seem to be, I hope you find ways to fight your demons. I hope you find peace. I hope you find all the things you wanted in someone, in yourself: faithfulness, perseverance, and mercy. Be kind to yourself. The world has already been too hard on you. The demons have been hidden for too long. It’s about time that you get rid of them before it kills you completely – before you become hollow, hopeless, and numb – before you disassociate again. I hope next time you won’t let them destroy something you built with someone else. I hope you don’t let them destroy you. Don’t worry about me. Like I told you before, there wasn’t anything you could do to hurt me so deeply that I couldn’t be fully repaired. I’m healing, and I hope you are too. Of course I’m still hurting. You meant too much to me for this not to hurt. I meant everything I said. I’m sad that you didn’t give us enough time to see what I meant what I said. There’s a lot of us that I’m sad about. But with time, I’ll fully be healed. I do realize what was sacrificed for me to heal. I had to sacrifice trying to hold onto us by myself and any dreams I had for us. I hope for you to heal fully too. I hope that one day you’ll find someone who matters so much to you to that you wouldn’t run from them. I hear memories of your footsteps sprinting in the opposite direction. You were running, fast, and now you’re too far gone from me. I can’t reach you. I hope you can still reach yourself. We can’t make any promises now, can we?